Can You Hear Me Now?

I recently come to the conclusion that my ears are big.  It was a startling realization as I looked in the mirror and noticed these large,  appendages hanging on the side of my head.  Now I’m a little paranoid, I wonder if anyone else has noticed Dr. Spock and I have something in common.  

Reading up on ears I’ve discovered they are cartilage appendages that continue to  grow for a lifetime. Not only do ears continue to grow, they suffer from the ravages of gravity and the lobes appear longer. Is this some kind of cruel joke? I’ve read about people visiting plastic surgeons to get a lobe job.  (not my first choice) The lobe job costs a couple of grand but you get free ear piercing.

I’m obsessed with ears now and I find myself looking at everyone with new interest.  Really I can’t figure out how some of their dainty little ears hear anything.  I can tell you one thing for sure, no one has ever told me, ‘Boy those ears of yours work great.’  NO!, you’d think with their size they would at least hear really well.  I mean I should be able to hear a gnat sneeze from across the room but noooooooo.  I haven’t heard a complete conversation in twenty years.

I first came to the realization that I might not hear well about twenty years ago.  Monty got tired of me complaining about his mumbling and gently suggested it might be my hearing.  I knew in my heart, it was his fault. He waits until I leave the room to start a conversation, (maybe he’s already talking to me and I just sort of wander out of the room, I don’t know)  or he waits until I turn the water on in the kitchen sink to tell me something vital to our well being or brings up a great vacation destination.  

Hint: if I’m not looking at you I probably didn’t hear what you said. That sounds silly but apparently I spend a lot of time reading facial expressions and maybe even lip read without really realizing it.  If you are talking to your shirt buttons, or facing the other direction, we are not having a conversation.  I may nod if it seems appropriate, maybe even smile if you are smiling, but I’m faking it.  

Hearing Aids are helpful for one on one, face to face, conversations in a quiet room.  How often does that happen?  On the other hand they magnify the noise of a restaurant so you are guaranteed to never understand what your dinner guest said.  I’ve been in workshops where the people around me shuffle paper until it sounds like nails on a blackboard but I can’t hear the speaker.   

It’s really not the loudness so much as understanding what is being said.  Anyone with hearing loss understands the missed first word.  Sometimes a word or two disappears into thin air before I grasp the conversation.  OMG who died?  Wait! Start over.

I asked Monty if he’d go get a hearing test, he replied. ‘I don’t have a hairy chest’.  Does that tell you anything???  It’s a family plan, if one  spouse decides hearing better might make life easier you better both get tested, just in case.   I got my hearing aids first and I realized Monty was talking so loud it was really annoying.  The dog always left the room when we turned on the TV and now I knew why, the volume was deafening. Once we both had hearing aids, life was a bit easier.  Before we leave the house we always check, ‘Do you have your hearing aids?’  ‘What?’ Louder ‘Get your hearing aids’. In my case, after I finish fixing my hair I put in my hearing aids or I put on earrings.  Both are kept on the dresser and apparently I can only remember one thing to do when I stand at the dresser.  So if you see me with earrings plan to speak slowly and a bit louder.   

After our shower this morning, Monty was mumbling something about Motley Crew or maybe it was about Matt Muehlebach (former UA basketball player).  I couldn’t for the life of me understand why we were talking about either one,  but after clarification, he said, “We need a bigger bath mat.”   Well,  at least that made sense.   

Next time you see me my hair will be a bit longer, just enough to cover the ears. Don’t mention it, I know, it’s about time.