Potty Talk

According to Google, and who would argue with the Big G., Sir John Harington (1562-1612) was the inventor of the flushable toilet.  Thanks  to Johnny Carson, the only name I’ve ever associated with a toilet is none other than, Thomas Crapper. Oh, the irony!

 A little background here, Mr. Crapper was an English businessman and plumber.  He and I share the same September 28th birthday, a fine Libra, he probably kept everything in perfect balance. Mr. Crapper held nine patents, three of them for potty improvements such as the floating ballcock.  

I’m sure Sir Harington was impressed with his hole in the ground and garden hose connection, and who wouldn’t be happy inventing something called a ballcock but, let’s move into the 21st century.  

Last week we replaced our old potty with a brand new, streamline, white porcelain throne, it is a sight to behold.  The sun shinning through the bathroom skylight illuminating that thing of beauty is enough to take your breath away.     

I have to admit, I was particularly fond of the old potty, we had bonded, so to speak.  We knew each others quirks and I had grown accustomed to our mornings spent together in quiet contemplation.  But, alas, it was time to update the most used room in the house.    

Deciding on a new potty wasn’t a quick or brash decision; we spent a lot of time looking at various models.  This isn’t like buying a new barcalounger, where you go to the store and sit on every one to see which one fits your bottom best.  Even after sitting in ten or twelve, if you choose the wrong fabric, color, or size,  you can take it back, Sam will just put in the back room with the rest of the ‘do overs’. 

If you buy the wrong potty what are you going to do? After being introduced and spending a few mornings together are you going to decide the relationship just won’t work? I don’t think there is a return policy for potties, even gently used ones.

One thing we noticed at Home Depot or Lowes,  all the potties are up on the top shelf.  Hopefully that is the only time you will ever see a potty from that angle. How can you learn anything about it’s porcelain greatness from that angle? How do you know the, third potty from the left is going to be comfy.  It makes no sense to me.  I’m sure the employee of the month would be happy to explain about the little boy left unattended by his parents, but really, how often could that happen?

Realizing we were never going to get to take a new potty for a test drive we just ordered one on line and had it delivered to the front porch.  It was tempting to perch on our new throne before it was installed but we thought the neighbors might take a dim view of our trial run.    

Robert, the plumber, arrived and installed our new porcelain wonder in a matter of minutes and carted its predecessor off to wherever old potties go to spend their last days.  Hopefully not as yard art somewhere –  we didn’t ask. 

This new Cadillac of potties is comfy enough but the piece de resistance is the turbo charged double flush system.  Gentle pressure on the handle produces a nice little swirl of water to eliminate a quick pee-pee break; whereas, a firm flick of the wrist produces a  torrent equivalent to Niagara falls and almost as loud.  Let me just say, you don’t want to remain seated for this event.  

I’m reminded of the story, probably a myth, about the lady on the airplane who remained seated when she flushed and created quite a spectacle when the vacuum stuck her to the potty until help arrived.  Considering the lines at the airplane potties I’m sure she didn’t have to wait long. but how embarrassing to be caught with your pants down, stuck to a toilet seat.  

As long as we are into potty talk, let’s answer the question once and for all, does the TP roll under or over the roll?  Do you ever go at a friends house and discover their TP rolls the wrong direction?  Are you tempted to correct it?Can you still be friends?  Is the difference insurmountable?   Just a quick flick and all would be right with the world.  That would be wrong, right? Unless it’s your kids house, then you can figure they weren’t listening when you taught toilet 101.  Then you can change it but don’t count on it remaining that way!

Now about that lid; are you to leave it as you found it, or God forbid, just be willy nilly about the lid?  I personally feel the thing has a lid for a reason, so it should remain closed when not in use.  Really, let the dog drink out of his own bowl. This major dilemma has been solved with our new magic slow motion lid closer.  A mere touch to the lid and it silently closes. Everything is in perfect order, just like you were never there.  

Now that I think about it a new potty has brought more joy to my life than I would have imagined.  My eternal thanks to ole Tom Crapper for a wonderful invention that keeps America running smoothly.  (tee hee)